So here I am. Sat on a train on another foray down to London for a meeting with one of the charities I work with. I'm one of the first on the train, I find my reserved seat and sit myself down, it's a lovely day with the sun warm through the window. I'm chilled and looking forward to the day, catching up with colleagues and getting some stuff done
.
Then from the other end of the carriage my attention is drawn to the sound of loud voices and the clink of bottles. It's a bunch of blokes, not just any blokes but blokey blokes. I start thinking ‘don't sit by me, don't sit by me.’. They are checking seat numbers in the overhead display. They stop at my seat ‘right lads, these are the ones!’. My anxiety leaps through the roof, oh fuck no.
I decide now would be a great time to get the iPad out, put the headphones on and binge watch downloaded shows. However the noise of football statistics mixed with the smell of alcoholreaches across the carriage and through my earphones. Drastic measures are called for, my iPod comes out, Thin Lizzy goes on, volume cranked up, noise fades out.
A tap on my arm makes me jump, I look up, it's one of the blokes talking to me, I take out an earbud so I can actually hear him. ‘Excuse me love, can I use your socket?’ laughing, asking to use the electric where I'm sat, even though my own phone is plugged into it and charging, his friends laugh at the shitty sexual double entendre.
‘Sorry I'm using it, there's a free one there.’ as I point out an empty window seat, hoping he will fuck off and sit there.’ He frowns, I ignore him and put the ear bud back. The looks and stares are coming now, I avoid any eye contact, but I keep on catching those stares from the periphery of my vision.
I'm starting to feel really fucking angry. I feel intimidated, I'm a little scared. I’m one woman surrounded by 7 men, 5 sat at tables and two standing in the aisle cans in hand. There are way families on the train and I can see how some of them look uncomfortable with it all. I guess if I wanted I could leave my reserved seat and go and find another but why the hell should I. I won't be the victim of manspreading on a group scale.
I'm angry at myself when I become aware of all of the avoiding tactics I'm using because I don't want them to engage with me, because I don't want the banter, the unwanted chat up lines and then there's the Trans thing, worrying of violence if there's a bigot among them. It's not always the case but the fact drink is on the table escalates things slightly. I want to tell them to leave me alone, but I'm scared and I'm angry at myself for that too.
Certain radical feminists would say that I have male privilege which would supposedly protect me in this situation, I beg to differ. Transition has shown me the huge differences socially in how men and women are treated. Men do have massive amounts of privilege, I've experienced that in my upbringing, I was never comfortable with it, generally trying to shun it but having it thrust upon you. Things I now experience which I never did before include, being afraid for my safety when walking home alone and realising there's someone walking right behind me, being mansplained to constantly when trying to obtain goods or services, from buying a TV to getting my car serviced. Having men staring at various body parts while I'm trying to talk with them rather than looking me in the eyes. Being ignored or put down when I voice my opinion in a meeting dominated by men, my views no longer apparently valid in my authentic gender.
Do I resent my loss of male privilege, brought about by being truthful and authentic regarding my gender identity? No, not one ounce. If anything it reinforces my views as a feminist that society has some pretty fucked up behaviours and structures that need to change. But to Jenni Murray, Julie Bindel, Germaine Greer etc who claim Trans women are not women I ask this. What do you know? Have you experienced what it's like to be raised as a female who is socialised in a male role and felt how uncomfortable that is? In the same way you would have no clue what it would be like if you were raised and socialised as female in a different culture from the one you were born into. Trans women are just women like any other with a different set of experiences and viewpoints on life.
