This morning I looked in to the bathroom mirror and I smiled, I liked what I saw. A 40 something overweight middle aged woman. I have a smile I like, eyes I like and red hair that rocks. It's a me I have been searching for my entire life and now I have found her.
I went for a walk in the mid morning with my Great Dane sidekick Lionel, wearing a comfy pair of jeans and a cut down T-shirt, feeling at ease and happy. I remembered how I felt 4 years ago when I was still in the first few months of my transition, when I was constantly self conscious, I realised that back then I would always cover myself up, never wearing a t shirt that showed my upper arms or my shape so afraid and caught up in that whole ridiculous and constraining 'passing' concept, but I also think it was it was that unhappiness with my body shape in general. Those first days of transition were so anxiety filled.
I remember the days of standing by the back door, trying to summon up the courage to step out the door and walk down the street, afraid someone would see me and laugh or shout abuse. Remembering how I would repeatedly go back to the bathroom mirror to check my makeup, making sure I could see no trace of beard shadow in the days before I lasered it off.
I know there's some of you out there reading this who will probably be in that place right now, and if I have one piece of advice to you its this.. Breathe.. Breathe and then just effing do it, take a leap of faith. The what ifs of transition can stop so many folks in their paths, but sometimes you'll never know unless you pull up your pants and just do it.
Since I started hormone therapy a few years back I've put on about two stone in weight, I'm the heaviest I've been in my life. But I'm starting to work on it for health and other reasons.
But I still smiled when I looked in that mirror because yes I saw an overweight woman, but I saw the woman that I've been searching for all my life. I love my life and the wonderful friends it is populated with xx
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